A Person Who Continually Hurts Themselves
Have you ever been wronged by someone multiple times and been told that you need to forgive that person? You're probably wondering how to forgive someone who continually hurts you. As long as we interact with other humans, arguments and disagreements are inevitable so it's important for you to figure out how to forgive someone, even if they have hurt you many times.
I believe wholeheartedly that forgiveness is more for you than for the other person. Someone who continually hurts you may not even ask for forgiveness, but you must find a way to forgive so that you can live life to the fullest. There is no need for you to keep experiencing the agony associated with bottled-up feelings and emotions. Forgiving people is important for your own healing and happiness.
Today, we will walk through the steps of forgiving someone who continually causes you pain. If this is something that you struggle with, you'll want to keep reading. These steps will be useful while you're on your journey to forgive someone who continually hurts you.
READ NEXT: 5 Tips for True Forgiveness vs. Being a Doormat
What It Means to Forgive (& What It Is Not)
Forgiving someone that has caused you pain means making a conscious effort to release the feelings of resentment or vengeance toward someone who has wronged you. Now, don't get me wrong, it doesn't mean that you become a doormat and let people walk all over you or treat you badly. It also doesn't mean forgetting, condoning, or excusing those wrongful actions. This can be especially difficult when you're forgiving someone who hurts you continuously, but it is necessary and very possible.
Is It Possible to Forgive and Forget When Someone Hurts You Repeatedly?
Is it even possible to forgive someone who hurts you repeatedly? We've all heard the phrase "forgive and forget" and if you're like me, you'll admit that it's much easier said than done. I believe that we can forgive, but it's nearly impossible to forget, especially if an offense happens multiple times. How realistic is it for us to move on with our lives without ever thinking of that hurt again? With that being said, instead of forgetting (which is nearly impossible), you need to focus on how to deal with someone who hurt you emotionally.
Let's think about what it truly means to forgive and forget. It's very different from getting mad and getting even. When you forgive and forget, you decide not to be angry with someone for hurting you and not to let your memory of their action(s) influence your future relationship with that person. Both of those things have to happen in order to forgive and forget effectively. And both of these things should happen whether or not you decide to continue the relationship.
What to Do When Someone Hurts You Over and Over
Now that we have talked about what forgiveness means, I want to share some actionable items that you can use when you make the decision to forgive someone. It is important when you are thinking about how to forgive someone who continually hurts you that you have a plan so that you can intentionally take the steps necessary for true forgiveness to take place.
These things do not have to occur in this order. Keep in mind that you may reach the point of forgiveness without using all of these steps.
1. Remain Calm and Clear-Headed
When you are dealing with someone who has hurt you over and over, you should try to remain calm. Do not talk to or engage with the person until you are able to do so rationally. You may need to take some time to clear your head so that you are able to carry on a mature conversation about the situation at hand. If tension rises as you are engaged in the conversation, end the conversation until you are able to take control of your emotions. The conversation will not be productive if both parties are not calm.
2. See If There Is Anything You Can Do to Keep the Peace
When you are hurt, it may be very difficult for you to keep the peace, but try your very best to do so. You can only control your own actions, so don't stress yourself out even more by trying to control the other person's response or reactions to your statements. Do everything you can to keep the conversation as peaceful as possible.
3. Admit Your Role in the Issue (If It Exists)
Oftentimes, issues between people are two-sided, meaning that both parties play a part in the disagreement. If that is the case, admit your role and own your actions. But recognize that sometimes it really is just the other person and voice that if need be. It is important that you both understand your roles in the issue.
4. Analyze All Sides of the Issue Before Passing Judgment
Make sure that you look at the entire situation from every perspective before you pass judgment. It's easy to pass judgment when you're angry, so make sure you thoughtfully analyze the situation.
5. Choose Kindness
It will be difficult, but try to choose kindness. Again, this is for you, not the other person. You may not feel like the other person deserves your kindness, but try your best to remain civil and refrain from making statements that you might regret later.
6. Don't Grow Bitter
As badly as you may have been hurt, try not to harbor bitterness in your heart. That resentment and deep anger towards another person is not healthy for you physically or emotionally. Being bitter may cause you to act negatively toward other people or things in your life and that can be problematic if you are truly trying to forgive someone.
7. Develop Tough Skin
Try not to take things personally and don't be easily offended. Sometimes, when people hurt you, it's really not all about you. So develop tough skin when you're dealing with hurtful situations.
8. Live in the Present; Don't Dwell on the Past
When someone has hurt you, try to focus on the present. As hard as it is, try not to revisit that hurtful place and don't dwell on the past for too long. When you dwell on the past, you are simply reopening wounds, making it even more difficult to move forward.
9. Reaffirm Your Love for Them But Still Stand Up for Yourself
As I stated earlier, the expectation is not for you to be a doormat. But, if you truly love the person who hurt you, you should reaffirm your love for them. That is important for you and for the other person, too. It is, however, important that you stand up for yourself so that you make it clear to the other person that their behavior will not be tolerated. You need to candidly let the person who hurt you know that you demand to be respected if you are going to continue the relationship. When you calmly stand up for yourself, you maintain your personal dignity, self confidence, and self respect.
10. Learn to Let It Go
While it is difficult (I'd even argue impossible) to forget when someone has hurt you, it is important to learn to let it go. It is not healthy to harp on the same issue over and over again. It's important that if you decide to forgive someone that you make an intentional effort not to continue bringing up the situation. After you decide how you will move forward with the person who hurt you, it's best to let go of whatever caused you to be upset in the first place.
11. Seek Help if Needed
If you don't know where to start with the forgiveness process, don't be afraid to seek help. There is no shame in needing help. Sometimes, the hurt may be too deep or too fresh for you to logically think through how to move forward in forgiveness. Therefore, you may need to reach out to a counselor or therapist to help you work through the process.
12. Choose to Forgive
Forgiving someone who keeps hurting you can be hard. It may take some time. But ultimately, you have to choose to forgive the person if you truly want to forgive them and move forward with your life. You have to put in the effort and work to forgive. I know it seems so unfair that you have to do so much when the other person is the one who "messed up," but for your own sanity and health, go ahead and make a choice to forgive.
Tips for Forgiving Someone Who Isn't Sorry
Let's talk about those people who hurt us intentionally and those who aren't truly sorry for doing you wrong. I also want to add this: forgiving and reconciling are two separate things. You can forgive someone and not reconcile with them. It's okay. And, you can also choose to forgive someone who isn't sorry. Let's talk about how:
1. Tell Them Things Need to Change and State Clear Consequences if They Don't
Make it very clear to the person who hurt you that things need to change. Also, tell them specific consequences that will occur if they don't change. Take time to think this through carefully before you have the conversation. It is very important that when you have this conversation that you say what you mean and mean what you say. If you set specific consequences (and make sure that the other person clearly understands those consequences), you need to make sure to follow through.
2. Set Boundaries and Enforce Them
Set boundaries with the person who hurt you, and make sure to stick to those boundaries. Everyone must understand what is and what is not acceptable in the relationship. This is true in any relationship, whether it be family, friends, or a significant other. Setting boundaries helps you to protect yourself and it sets the tone for what will and will not be tolerated in your relationship.
3. Know When It's Time to Walk Away
Unfortunately, you can follow all of these steps, do all of the hard work, and still not be able to get through to the other person. They may not ever see things your way and you may never be able to agree on how to move forward with your relationship. The other person may not change his or her behavior and may continue hurting you. If this happens, you may need to consider walking away.
When you can't trust someone or if you don't believe the person will stop hurting you over and over again, it isn't easy to make a relationship work. It may just be time to walk away. Ultimately, you want to save yourself from continuous heartbreak and you don't want to continue wasting your time and energy on someone who frequently puts you in a dark place.
When that person and relationship no longer serves you and no longer contributes positively to your life, it may be time to walk away.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can you forgive someone and still be hurt?
Absolutely. Remember, forgiveness is the foundation, the start of the journey, if you will. The forgiveness releases you to begin working on your own feelings. Forgiveness is a form of self-care.
Is it okay to tell someone they hurt you?
It would be best if you let people know they hurt you. If somebody does you wrong, don't feel bad about letting them know. Ignoring or denying those feelings won't make them go away. That's why you must express your feelings. Only then can you begin to heal.
Should you forgive a cheater?
This is a complicated question that has lots of layers to it. While I do believe that you should forgive a cheater (remember, you need to forgive in order to heal), the ultimate decision about whether to stay or go will depend on different factors that you will need to be very thoughtful about.
Can you forgive someone and not want them in your life?
Yes. Not every instance of forgiveness will end in reconciliation. Sometimes, one or both parties may agree that it is best to go their separate ways. In this case, you should still choose to forgive the person. That allows you to let go of any hatred or bitterness that you might be holding in your heart due to unforgiveness.
What do I say to someone who hurts me again and again?
Please note that there is nothing that you can say that will fix the situation. However, it is well within reason for you to fully voice your feelings. Say exactly how you feel.
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Forgiveness is a multi-step process that takes lots of time and intentional effort. I want to remind you that it is possible to forgive someone, even someone who has hurt you multiple times. You have to look past the pain and focus on doing the things mentioned above. Every situation is unique, and ultimately you have to make the decision that is best for you. I will end by saying that there is so much freedom in forgiveness. Take control of your feelings and take the steps necessary to give you the freedom to move forward in a healthy way.
What does the Bible say about someone who continually hurts you?
It's stated multiple times in the Bible that God wants us to forgive others, even those who hurt us over and over. There are multiple examples of betrayal and ridicule in the Bible that end in forgiveness.
Bible verses about forgiving others who hurt you
There are verses throughout the Bible that reference forgiving those who hurt you. Here are some of those verses.
Matthew 6:14
For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
Matthew 18:21
Then Peter came and said to Him, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?"
Luke 23:34
But Jesus was saying, "Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing." And they cast lots, dividing up His garments among themselves.
Matthew 5:39
But I say to you, do not resist an evil person; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also.
Romans 12:20
"But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals on his head."
BibleStudyTools.com lists some additional Bible verses about forgiveness.
Source: https://whatcherithinks.com/how-to-forgive-someone-who-continually-hurts-you/
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